her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
