I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
