Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
