i love accidental penises.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Damn victory sex feels great
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
