He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
