I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
