dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How external is "for external use only"?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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