ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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