My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
zippers are such a cool invention
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
