this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
