I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
