Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
