he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
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