Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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