On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
