"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
