shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you made out with another girl for some wings
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
