im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
