He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
