i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
