I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Floor bacon is actually really good
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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