I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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