I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My sheets look like a crime scene.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
