You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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