If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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