can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
