Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
