im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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