the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
