I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
