i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
