Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
