Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
