I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
