My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
