how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
