Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she told me i tasted like america
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
