toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
