Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
