I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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