I think I died a long time ago.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
