I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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