what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
