I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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