i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My ass is underappreciated
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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