Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
