Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
