i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
