she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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