did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
