I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
