You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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