I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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