C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
