so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
