We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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