and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
