i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you would pick up someone in the library
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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